Kids and teens face so many challenges around identity that parents and teachers don't always feel qualified to help them understand. Founder and Executive Director of Fieldstone Counseling, Jonathan Holmes, shares strategies outlined in his new book, Grounded in Grace, that will help teachers and parents encourage students to find their identity in God's grace.
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Teens + Identity outside of Christ
The mental health problems that kids and teens are facing today are intense- anxiety, depression, suicide, gender issues, sexual orientation. Some of the threads that bind all of them together really are questions about identity. So much of our culture today promotes kids to find their true self, live out their own self, be truly authentically happy. And with all of that messaging, you would think that our kids and teens are going to be really happy because they're living their true selves, but they're actually sadder than ever. They're more anxious than ever.
Identity Struggles in Academics, Sports, and More
Kids and teens today face pressure to be what they do or to be what they feel. So they think I am my academic performance, or I am my athletic performance on the court or the field. And especially for Christian kids, I am my good works.
We draw so much identity from those areas. It's not wrong to want to do well in athletics or to score well on a test. It's not wrong to want to do good. But we don't want that to form the core sense of who we are as people.
The message "I am what I feel" is so prevalent with today's kids and teens. They're so feeling-based. And our culture, music, movies, social influencers promote that: you are what you feel and you can feel and be whoever it is that you want to be. And that actually introduces more confusion than comfort. It introduces a lack of a sense of who I really am. If I am just my feelings, my feelings change all the time. If I staked my entire sense of who I was based off of my feelings, I would be a hot mess.
In so many ways, that's what we see our kids and teens facing today: a culture that has said, you are what you do and you are what you feel. But we believe we are not what we primarily do and we are not primarily what we feel. We are who the Lord says we are because he's our Creator. Because he's our Creator, he gets to define who it is that we are and for what purpose we exist.
Talking to Kids About Identity
It is really important to talk to kids just about how they feel. And what we might hear is that it's hard out there. They feel a lot of pressure to perform, to belong, and to be the best.
We have these slogans of "be the best you can be", "live your true self", and "be the happiest version of yourself". When kids and teens place that pressure on themselves and realize that they have to be primarily responsible for that, it doesn't alleviate pressure and anxiety. As Christians, we can ask, "What if there was someone who was powerful enough, good enough, and strong enough to give you a core sense of who you were? What if that never changed based off of what you did or how you felt? Would you want that? Would it sound appealing to you if the greatest person in the universe said, you are loved and you are mine? How would that make you feel?"
How would that transform how you view your athletic achievements, your athletic failures, your academic successes, and what college you get into? Having a grace-centered perspective on who we are actually frees us up to pursue those interests and activities and even feelings while also realizing that you don't have to sacrifice a core sense of who you are as an individual.
The Influence of Godly Teachers
Educators are so important. They spend so much time with our children and with our teens. If people are asked to write down the most influential sermons in their lives, they might be able to scratch out a few. If they are asked to write down the five most influential individuals in their lives, they can list so many. We remember the people that really shaped and formed us better than information.
For those who work in Christian education it is a wonderful opportunity to reinforce the lessons Christian parents are teaching at home. Christian educators who love the Lord and who want our children and teens to find their identity in Christ can have a huge impact.
Another one of the ways that both educators and parents can partner together is how they live out their own identity. When we experience failure, when we mess up, and then it doesn't lead to a meltdown, it shows our identity is in something so much greater and richer than just our behaviors, actions, or points on the scoreboard.
Pointing Students Towards a Deeper Identity
Educators who are Christians in public school settings can take some of these principles and use them in many ways to point children to the truth. Teachers can point students toward knowing there's something deeper and better and more meaningful that can be the source of their identity. Good questions can be helpful in this. Ask your students, "Do you think it's sustainable to build your sense of who you are just based on your feelings?" Then they can ask students what is stable enough in life that they could build their entire core sense of who they are on.
The goal is to start those conversations going and get them thinking "Would I want my identity based on how many likes I get on a social media post? Would I want it based on my parents' approval? Would I want it based on whether I make the varsity basketball team?"
Remember, teacher, you are planting seeds. You may not see the harvest, but your work is no less meaningful. Keep pointing students to Christ!
Resources Mentioned + Guest Info
Jonathan Holmes is the Founder and Executive Director of Fieldstone Counseling. Jonathan graduated from The Masterโs University with degrees in Biblical Counseling and History and his MA from Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. He has written for Christianity Today, The Gospel Coalition, the Biblical Counseling Coalition, the ERLC, and the Journal for Biblical Counseling. Jonathan serves on the Board of Trustees for CCEF (Christian Counseling Educational Foundation), the Advisory Board for ABC (Association of Biblical Counselors) and the Council Board for the BCC (Biblical Counseling Coalition). Jonathan is a Visiting Faculty member at CCEF, an instructor at Westminster Theological Seminary in the Masters of Counseling program, and he speaks frequently at conferences and retreats. He and his wife, Jennifer, have four daughters.
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