My Students Think I’m Mean. Now What?

A Firm Teacher is Not a Mean Teacher

There's a very key difference between having high expectations of our students and being mean. Despite the fact that kids can sometimes interpret our response as mean, undoubtedly, firmness is not meanness. In other words, holding students accountable, or not letting them off the hook, is not mean. That's caring for them. Still, your students might interpret your response as mean.

This is where we need to self-reflect.  With this in mind, use this chart as a tool to examine if you lean more towards a firm teacher or a mean teacher. Which  resonates with you more?

In view of this reflection, consider this: sometimes we come across differently than we expect. Do your students know you care about their problems, even if you cannot address them immediately? Additionally, are you responding in patience as frustration arises?

Yet, we shouldn’t let students off the hook just so they think we are nice. It truly is valuable to hold them to the classroom expectations. Still, how we hold students to those standards can say a lot about the state of our hearts. 

The Lord’s Expectations

Even if you have been responding in anger, there is hope! Without a doubt the Lord wants to help us grow in Christ-likeness as it says in Colossians 3:12-15.

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,  bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.

Galatians 5: 22-23 says:

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

In light of these words, we can see that God doesn't really give us the option to stop being kind, even when we feel justified in being unkind. To put it a different way, these descriptions are what the Holy Spirit living in us and pouring out of us looks like. 

At the same time, that does not mean that we let our students get away with off-task behavior. We absolutely need to be both kind and firm and in doing so we show the love of Christ, both by our demeanor and by holding them accountable, which is what they need. 

An Example of Being Firm & Kind

To clearly demonstrate, here is an example: let's say a student doesn't have their homework. They have a reason, and it is a legit thing that actually happened. However, it's not the type of extenuating circumstance that would excuse or demand extra time. Instead, it's one of those excuses where the student needed to be more responsible and plan ahead. Instead, it seems they waited until the last moment. We want to respond to this situation with empathy and with kindness while keeping the ownership on the student.

So, in this situation we might say “Wow, that sounds like a tough circumstance. However, remember we award full credit to work that's turned in on time. So I hope you can turn it in tomorrow because we do award partial credit to things turned in the next day.” While we have expressed empathy, we are simultaneously holding the student to classroom expectations and procedures in order to care for them. 

Basically, that phrasing shows that we understand where they are coming from, but we are also sticking to the policy or expectation. In some cases we may have to give a consequence, but we’ll do it in an attitude of kindness. As a result, students will see in this powerful combination that we care, but we're not letting them off the hook.

Love & Logic Empathy Phrases

With that in mind, here are some go-to empathy phrases recommended by Love & Logic. You can use these to respond to students’ situations as you see fit, but try to find phrases that feel natural to you.

• “That’s tough.”
• “What a bummer.”
• “That stinks.”

And by the way, we're all going to mess up. In light of that, we just need to apologize. In fact, messing up is a good opportunity for our students to see adults apologize.

My Students Still Think I’m a Mean Teacher 

So, if you're doing your best at all of this and students are still saying you're a mean teacher, well then what do we do? Even though it's not very fair, we have to recognize that kids are not always going to understand our motives. When you’ve prioritized their long-term wellbeing over their immediate happiness, that's not always going to make sense to them. 

While they respond by lashing out and say you're a mean teacher,  you can still have confidence because you know you're not being mean. Instead, you are caring for them by prioritizing what is best for them over what is going to make them happy in the moment. Meanwhile, some of them might even look back one day and realize you were acting in their best interest. Of course, not all students will realize your ultimate goal, but, in spite of that, your focus must be on doing what you are called to do. 

Investing in Students

Finally, any investment that we can make into building relationships with our students and showing them that we care about them is really helpful. Is it going to prevent them from ever saying you're a mean teacher? No. The benchmark of success is not that no one ever accuses you of being mean. Rather, the benchmark of success is doing what you are supposed to do, and being faithful to your role as their teacher.

A metaphor that is helpful to point out the nature of building your relationship with students is to think of the relationship in terms of a bank account. For example, you're making deposits when you show students you care and you love them and you're interested in them. 

In a similar manner, those moments of discipline are like withdrawals, but because of all your deposits, there are plenty of 'funds' in the account. But, if you have not been making investments, there is nothing in there & those withdrawals will cause those checks to bounce. The result is those really poor reactions from a student. So keep continuing to invest in them. 

Ideas for Investing in Students

In order to help you grow in building relationships, Dave Stuart Jr. talks about moments of genuine connection with students. This strategy tracks of all your different students and verifies that you take opportunities to show each of them them personally that you care about them.  You do this by making a brief statement about how you see something in them or by connecting with them about something that they're interested in.

Another strategy is called 2 x10. This is where you might identify a particular student that you need to invest in more than the average student. And so for two minutes a day, for ten days, you just talk to that student about things unrelated to school. And if you can't get two full minutes, because you have 100 students, 30 seconds is valuable too. 

Recap

To sum up, we want to first of all, make sure we're not actually being a mean teacher. In order to do that, we need to reflect and consider our reactions to our students. Secondly, we want to prioritize kindness and the fruit of the Spirit as we hold students accountable. 

Thirdly, we want to interact with confidence, understanding that kids don't always understand why we make the decisions that we do. Although we might be doing something that's for their ultimate good, they may not be happy in the present moment and that’s okay. 

Finally, build relationship capital. Invest in your students so that they do know that you care about them, even if they think you are a "mean teacher" every now and then.