Should We Avoid Negative People?

Is Avoiding Negative People Good Advice?

Avoiding negative people can seem like an obvious thing we should do, right? It might not actually be quite that simple.

This topic actually came up because we just released a brand new course called Hope Renewed, a program to help teachers stop feeling defeated and face each day with hope. It's a five week combination of Bible study, teaching and practical application. 

So as we were building Hope Renewed, one of the topics that came up was dealing with negativity. Avoiding negative people is the typical advice, but it might not be that simple. If we just avoid all negativity, then we're not really thinking about other people. It is complicated. 

School Culture

Being in the culture of a school can be wonderful but there are also things that are challenging, especially in a public school with teachers of all different backgrounds, theologies, and moral codes. It can be so easy to get sucked into a negative spiral and sometimes that feels good. One of those dangers of being around pessimistic people or being too negative is that the bitter flavor can start to taste good to you. 

We have to pay attention to how conversations go in different space with different people—when someone is consistently taking a cynical perspective on a situation it's going to affect the way you see it. Either that you will join in and react against it or you are overly positive, trying to make up for the the negativity.

We can become fixated in either direction—either seeing everything too negatively and forgetting God is there or trying to paint over difficulty with a broad, positive brush. When we do that, it does not allow space for God to speak into complexity. It might be easier for us to think about cirumstances as either good or bad, but most situations do not fall simply into one category.

We need the strength and grace of the Lord in order to walk through the moments we face with grace and compassion so we have the space to hold complexity. That means letting go of control, which is hard for everyone.

Negative People Are Our Neighbors

In Matthew 22, Jesus is talking to the Pharisees and they ask him, "What is the greatest commandment?" And he says, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And the second is like it. You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the law and the prophets."

Jesus is saying that the love of God and the love of neighbor are paramount to what it means to follow him. That these are what all the other laws and all the other things that he asks of us hinge on. Jesus didn't say love your positive neighbor or love your easy-to-love neighbor. He said love your neighbor. And our neighbor is everyone that we meet. 

Occasionaly, these people and moments are pointing to deepers needs. Negativity can be the surface level expression of deeper pain and instead of avoidance, our neighbor needs an ear or comfort. Often there is just a lot more going on underneath that needs our tenderness and compassion. Avoiding that person entirely could be avoiding an opportunity to share God’s love with them. Keep your eyes open! God may be calling you to have a positive interaction with unexpected people— to help, to listen, or to mourn with them.

God’s Agenda For Our Relationships

How do I know when to stay in a conversation? How do I know when to leave? How do I know when to avoid the lunchroom? 

This requires more nuance to decide, and the best way to begin is by prayer. Tim Lane shares a helpful way to frame our prayers around interacting with difficult people: “The language of boundaries typically gives the impression that as the helper, you must set boundaries in order to protect yourself from being taken advantage of. If we think in terms of God setting the agenda, the end result will be you loving the person well, rather than just protecting yourself.”

This approach gives honor to the Lord's will for every moment and it also allows us to entrust ourselves to him. We can ask—”if I am going to be exposed to a lot of negative commentary will you protect me from spiraling into that? Will you help me to navigate what it looks like to have compassion on a person who might just really need someone to understand something underneath all of that negativity?”

Sometimes our Spirit-led response might be to step aside and get our own minds renewed in him. And other times he might nudge us to move toward that person.

Evaluating Relationships

Our level of relationship affects our involvement in these moments as well. For instance, if there's somebody you  have no relationship with, they're not your friend, they're not coming to you for comfort, and they just spout off every time you see them, and it's affecting you, then that might be one where you step back.

On the other hand, if it's a dear friend who's struggling, that's a time we can consider staying involved. We should weep with those that weep and be there and go into that dark place with them.

Some Practical Advice

If you are really struggling with a tough school environment and negative people, you can consider some of these options. Maybe you invite someone to go on a walk with you.  Experience adventure and fresh air together.

Other situations may do better if you invite them to have a cup of tea, coffee or something else to engage your senses in a way that embodies comfort and warmth. 

When trying to build those relationships and support negative people, a good rule of thumb is to get out of the building, out of the usual space. The change of scenery can help us to see God in different ways and experience his goodness afresh.

Another thing to consider is, can you steer the conversation? This is not always possible, yet there are moments you have the power of encouragement! This does not mean we are refuting what they said. The negativity may simply be the reality, but maybe we can sometimes bring up something good that's been happening to help that conversation not to stay stuck there.

One last suggestion: Turn to trusted friends for advice. One of the means of grace God uses is other people. Asking advice from other people can be helpful, especially since they can see from a different perspective. 

So hopefully you can enter into your school with confidence that the Lord will lead you in your calling to love your neighbors—whether it's the friendly, positive folks or the negative people.  With the guidance of the Lord, you can love them all.